news shocker of the day: local teens fucking like bunnies

90 Teens Pregnant in One Memphis High School. At Frayser High School in Memphis, 90 girls are pregnant or have had a baby this school year, nearly 20 percent of the school's female population. Now of course, reporters are scrambling to blame Teen Mom and "pregnancy pacts."

BAHAHAHAHAHAHH! As you may know, I'm a Memphis boy. In fact, Frayser was part of my school district, so I'm totally OK with laughing at this.

In fact, this sounds an awful lot like the word problems we used to do in AP Calculus. "Assume there are 90 girls that currently know they are pregnant at Frayser. The average student find out in the 5th month of pregnancy that they're knocked up. If there are 450 total girls at Frayser, how many are pregnant now and don't know it?"

90% sure I got that question right on my SATs. And while Terrika Sutton might not know the answer, she sure as hell knows how to pull a god damn conspiracy out of thin air:

"Jamel: I asked Tarika why so many girls like her at Frazier high are ending up pregnant:
"Tarika: Some girls try to do it cuz they think its coo. Some girls its by accident.
Jamel: So you think these girls are making agreements with each other. An agreement, or a pact, or...
Tarika: They probly is. They probly plan what they gonna do to get pregnant..."

Wait... what the FUCK? First of all, way to not jump to ridiculous conclusions either of you. Tarika, despite the fact you clearly got pregnant on accident, apparently others are doing it because its coo(l). And with that, Jamel goes on a tangent, assuming they're making fucking pregnancy pacts. Solid reporting out of FOX in good ole Memphis TN. Really great work everyone.

PS - the concept of high school girls making a "pregnancy pact" is the most terrifying thing in the world to me. Imagine a sex-hungry band of roving chicks ready to take down some dick and pop out a baby... Gives me the shivers. I mean obviously I was a virgin until 18, but if not who knows how many little demons I'd have running around with my ugly mug with all these baby-makin gangs roaming the streets of Memphis.

Rough year, eh Brett?

DIAMONDHEAD, Miss. (AP) -- Police say the 34-year-old sister of Vikings quarterback Brett Favre faces drug charges after she was arrested in a raid on a Mississippi condo where people were making crystal methamphetamine.

Maj. Matt Karl of the Hancock County Sheriff's Office said Wednesday that Brandi Favre was among five people arrested in Diamondhead. He says she will be charged with manufacturing methamphetamine and generating hazardous waste. Karl says about nine grams of the drug -- worth about $1,000 -- was recovered and hazardous materials teams had to clear the condo...

A message left for Brett Favre's agent James "Bus" Cook wasn't immediately returned."

Talk about a tough year, eh?

January 17, 2010: 362 days ago, Brett Favre tosses 4 TDs is a nasty playoff rout of the Cowboys. They're 13 - 4 on the year, rolling through teams and seemingly destined to win the Super Bowl so Favre can slip on his Wranglers, hop in his pickup and ride into the sunset a champion. The End.

And then suddenly, Favre's luck slipped through his hands. First, despite acting like a kid out there, he goes all Brett Favre against the Saints, throwing a pick at the 22 yard line in the last minute of the NFC Championship to essentially lose the game. After a summer of drinkin beer and huntin', the Vikings beg him for one more triumphant year and he unretires for a 3rd time. Hooray!

Then came the Sterger cock-shots. And the masseuse claiming inappropriatenesss. And the other masseuse. Harassment rumors, cover ups, a whole slew of media craziness. Meanwhile, the Vikings lose their first two games, then another two, and another two. Suddenly, its Week 11 and you're 3-7. Favre's shoulder, ankle, and back hurt, and everyone in the US knows what his dick looks like. After a concussion or two, he hangs it up.

Icing on the cake: as the team you used to play for rolls along in the playoffs with the QB that replaced you, your sister gets caught running a meth lab. Just icing on the cake of a great fucking year.

PS - obviously Brett Favre's agent goes by "Bus." Fuckin' hicks. Everything makes sense now.

ZOMG SNOW!

Growing up in the south, we didn't get a lot of snow. Probably about once every two years, we got like an inch of snow, that was it. And yet at least six times every winter between November and February, the weatherman on WMC-TV would show some graph outlining the next five days and there would be all these warnings. SNOW! BLIZZARD! OMG FLURRIES! WTF ICE WATCH! AHHHH DEATH IMMINENT! and everyone would freak the fuck out.

Then the week would come and go and no snow would stick to the ground and I'd be left in utter disappointment. Dreams of skipping school, building snowmen, slurping snow slushies and frolicking in fresh powder, down the fucking drain. Everyone would be like "oh that's weird, I can't believe it didn't snow!" and go back to their lives. Then the whole thing would happen again 3 weeks later. Just winter after winter of extreme build-up followed by terrible let-down.

Dangling the possibility of a snow day in front of a child year after year can really take its toll. So naturally, I try to act all jaded whenever I hear warnings of pending snow doom. I tell myself the exact thing every time I hear "heavy snowstorms" are on the way. "Yeah sure - I'm sure it'll be like 4 inches and everything will be normal." I go around all day the day before its supposed to snow and tell everyone how I'm not worried at all. But no matter how jaded I act, the moment the first flakes start to fall every negative thought drops and I'm stuck in BLIZZARD! mode. So you can imagine when I went to sleep last night how fucking stoked I was to wake up with a foot of snow on the ground, skip work today and not do shit.

And you can imagine how fucking LIVID I was this morning when I awoke, ran to the window like a stupid 8 year old, and saw like 4 inches of snow on the ground. What the SHIT. Streets - cleared. Subways - running. Work - NOT CANCELED. I even sat around refreshing my work email in the hopes some miracle email would rush through at with glorious news of sudden cancellation. Nope. Regular fucking Wednesday.

Broom's Links 1/7/2011

I have a friend who works in the finance industry, meaning he gets paid a lot more than most people and does much less work. We'll call him Broom to protect his identity. Since he has lots of time on his hands he searches the internet looking for interesting articles to entertain himself. They aren't always funny or enlightening but then again neither is he. Below is what he found this week:

Girl, 10, becomes youngest to discover supernova: Ok, I'm a huge nerd so I found it pretty cool that a 10 year old started looking for supernova's because she found out a 14 year old had done it and wanted to beat her record. Broom's thoughts, "I don't like how 240mm light years away means it happened 240mm years ago. That sucks".

Man loses $20 million after taking laptop for repair: This is one of those articles that makes me angry. If you have $20 million dollars, you should be bright enough to realize that Opus Dei, foreign nationals, and government agencies are not after you. Broom's thoughts, "you must really have an ego if you think people are surveillancing you".

NYC's coolest pools: I know what you're thinking, Broom sent this one out because he loves nice places and lives in New York. Not true ... well true but not the reason he sent it out. If you skip to slide 12 you'll see the pool that will one day be the "Broompert Gym and Health Spa". (We're still working on the name)

Why Did Gold Become the Best Element for Money?: This article is the rare gold nugget in the vast ocean of links uncovered on a weekly basis.

dating woes

I received an email from my mom the other day. Like 95% of all Jewish mom emails, it went something like this:

David....okay all my friends love you and want to fix you up with their nieces or daughters or
cousins.......so this is Beth's niece. You could do the call...and then meet once....at least she
sent a picture!

As much as it is nice to be appreciated and recognized that I am a catch and more mothers should throw their daughters at me, this is a little inconvenient.

First off, she’s not that cute. Now I know I am no Ryan Reynolds, but sober me has standards and, sadly, she does not fall within them. It could just be the picture, or she could just be really fun to hang out with. In either case, it doesn’t really matter because I can’t just blow her off and not call.

This was a setup by my mom, therefore this date is not optional. It is mandatory as constituted by Jewish law, “thou shalt go out with any girl thy mother decides … at least for drinks”. The only way to avoid it is to hide out in the desert for 40 years. Otherwise, you suffer a fate worse than death, a guilt trip by a Jewish mother.

Which leads to the second annoyance. My mom has already had the fortunate experience of setting me up with a friend’s daughter, I then hooked up with said daughter, and then never called her again (cuz I'm awesome like that). And let me tell you, there is no better look of admiration to get from a parent than while explaining why you are not going to call a girl again. I can only hope when I have that conversation with my son, I can give him the same “I am so proud of you look” that I read from my mom. (For those of you wondering, my mom still plays golf with her mom every Sunday).

So to avoid this happening again, this date will consist of two drinks, two hours max, and a nice, big hug at the end. And with those rules in place, I obviously cannot wait to call this girl.

secretly, go blow yourself santa

Our office Secret Santa was last week. Obviously the best gift-giving event is a good old fashioned Yankee Swap, which I end up absolutely DOMINATING every year. Yankee swap is pure awesomeness - you get to see the truly evil side of people when you involve gifts, stealing, and selfishness.

But since our Secret Santa was led this year by a clueless dick, it was not a swap. No, instead it was a random drawing where everyone had to pick gifts for a random person in the office. In theory, this is great. Now everyone gets something they want, and no stress over swapping gifts! Hooray!

FUCKING FALSE. The awful truth to office secret santa is that everyone walks away absolutely miserable. When you do a secret santa with your family, that's easy - I know my family, and they know me. I've never done a swap with my group of friends, but I already know it would be the easiest gift I ever bought. I'd just shoot over to the liquor store and depending on who I drew grab a bottle of Jack, a bottle of vodka, or a bottle of gin. God damn that was easy.

But with work people? How the fuck am I supposed to know what anyone wants? These aren't friends - they're random people thrown together in a close environment for 40+ hours a week. If you are really, really lucky, you'll find one person at work you enjoy hanging out with outside of work. Everyone else, those supposed "work friends" you have? Well those are just people who you hate less than the guy who sits next to you, so they can get you through a long day or a terrible holiday party.

So how do you expect me to pick out a decent gift for any of these people? The best gifts given away at our Secret Santa included a Snuggie, a box of chocolates, and a set of three pint glasses. HOLY GOD THAT SUCKS. Worst of all, I drew my boss. Anybody else I would have gotten a bottle of wine or a bottle of booze and walked away am absolute hero. But NOOOOO, I drew my boss and was forced to sit there and think about what shitty gift I have to get, and then worry that she'd read into something I got wrong and fire my ass for being a dick.

In the end, 14 people walked out of that room, and I guarantee at least 12 people would have rather swapped their own gift back than hold onto whatever shitty gift they got. But no, I can't have my gift back. Instead I get a box of chocolates and a $5 starbucks gift card. Ugh. Happy fucking holidays everyone.