dating woes

I received an email from my mom the other day. Like 95% of all Jewish mom emails, it went something like this:

David....okay all my friends love you and want to fix you up with their nieces or daughters or
cousins.......so this is Beth's niece. You could do the call...and then meet once....at least she
sent a picture!

As much as it is nice to be appreciated and recognized that I am a catch and more mothers should throw their daughters at me, this is a little inconvenient.

First off, she’s not that cute. Now I know I am no Ryan Reynolds, but sober me has standards and, sadly, she does not fall within them. It could just be the picture, or she could just be really fun to hang out with. In either case, it doesn’t really matter because I can’t just blow her off and not call.

This was a setup by my mom, therefore this date is not optional. It is mandatory as constituted by Jewish law, “thou shalt go out with any girl thy mother decides … at least for drinks”. The only way to avoid it is to hide out in the desert for 40 years. Otherwise, you suffer a fate worse than death, a guilt trip by a Jewish mother.

Which leads to the second annoyance. My mom has already had the fortunate experience of setting me up with a friend’s daughter, I then hooked up with said daughter, and then never called her again (cuz I'm awesome like that). And let me tell you, there is no better look of admiration to get from a parent than while explaining why you are not going to call a girl again. I can only hope when I have that conversation with my son, I can give him the same “I am so proud of you look” that I read from my mom. (For those of you wondering, my mom still plays golf with her mom every Sunday).

So to avoid this happening again, this date will consist of two drinks, two hours max, and a nice, big hug at the end. And with those rules in place, I obviously cannot wait to call this girl.

secretly, go blow yourself santa

Our office Secret Santa was last week. Obviously the best gift-giving event is a good old fashioned Yankee Swap, which I end up absolutely DOMINATING every year. Yankee swap is pure awesomeness - you get to see the truly evil side of people when you involve gifts, stealing, and selfishness.

But since our Secret Santa was led this year by a clueless dick, it was not a swap. No, instead it was a random drawing where everyone had to pick gifts for a random person in the office. In theory, this is great. Now everyone gets something they want, and no stress over swapping gifts! Hooray!

FUCKING FALSE. The awful truth to office secret santa is that everyone walks away absolutely miserable. When you do a secret santa with your family, that's easy - I know my family, and they know me. I've never done a swap with my group of friends, but I already know it would be the easiest gift I ever bought. I'd just shoot over to the liquor store and depending on who I drew grab a bottle of Jack, a bottle of vodka, or a bottle of gin. God damn that was easy.

But with work people? How the fuck am I supposed to know what anyone wants? These aren't friends - they're random people thrown together in a close environment for 40+ hours a week. If you are really, really lucky, you'll find one person at work you enjoy hanging out with outside of work. Everyone else, those supposed "work friends" you have? Well those are just people who you hate less than the guy who sits next to you, so they can get you through a long day or a terrible holiday party.

So how do you expect me to pick out a decent gift for any of these people? The best gifts given away at our Secret Santa included a Snuggie, a box of chocolates, and a set of three pint glasses. HOLY GOD THAT SUCKS. Worst of all, I drew my boss. Anybody else I would have gotten a bottle of wine or a bottle of booze and walked away am absolute hero. But NOOOOO, I drew my boss and was forced to sit there and think about what shitty gift I have to get, and then worry that she'd read into something I got wrong and fire my ass for being a dick.

In the end, 14 people walked out of that room, and I guarantee at least 12 people would have rather swapped their own gift back than hold onto whatever shitty gift they got. But no, I can't have my gift back. Instead I get a box of chocolates and a $5 starbucks gift card. Ugh. Happy fucking holidays everyone.

squizms - 11/4

Did you hear that noise last night? That really loud pipe noise? Girls are going to hate that noise. You know, when we have girls sleep over

advice from someone smarter than you

People in America are generally stupid. That's not to say there aren't smart people, what I mean is as a whole, we're pretty much dumb as a bag of hammers. You want proof? Check out the weekly TV ratings for 10/24. Outside of the live sports events (football rules!), here is the list:

1. Modern Family - ABC
   
2. Two and a Half Men - CBS
   
3. NCIS - CBS
   
4. Big Bang Theory - CBS
5. Grey's Anatomy - ABC
6. Dancing with the Stars - ABC
7. Desperate Housewives - ABC
8. NCIS - Chris O'Donnell - CBS
9. Criminal Minds - CBS
10. Survivor: Nicaraguwho the fuck cares - CBS

Jesus. Just typing that list out makes me want to die. A real who's who of washed up movie actors across the board. Of course Modern Family is fantastic TV - I'm proud of America on that one. And I have some weird friends who still watch Survivor. Whatever, its mindless TV, I get that.

But the others? I swear I thought Grey's and Desperate Housewives were over by now. And seriously, there are two NCIS's on TV? Oh, and I'm pretty sure the world is out of Two and a Half men jokes. So I'll just link to this one.

Along those lines, I have a general rule about TV I try to follow - no new series. Simply put, we have NO IDEA what good TV is. A show can be dogshit and hit the top of the charts, and another show can be the best new show of the year and not get the ratings to land a second season. So, to avoid getting sucked into a show and then cursing the world when they suck and don't watch it and a stupid network cancels it, I try to stay away from new TV shows.

Well, I kind of fell off the wagon last night. And by that, I mean I flat out broke my rule. And you know, what, IT FELT GOOD. Because AMCs new show, The Walking Dead, fucking blew my mind. Its based off a comic or something (I dunno because I'm not a weirdo who reads comics), but wherever it came from, its awesome. I'm gonna try not to spoiler, but hear me out.

I thought I was over the zombie thing, but this was spectacular TV. No shotty science explaining what happend to make everyone a zombie, or cutesy rules over how to kill them, or Will Smith to ruin a perfectly decent plot - just edge of your seat thrills, great effects, solid character development, intriguing plot twists and very good acting. Not shocking, considering this is the network that brought you Mad Men and Breaking Bad. Also not shocking, considering it was created by Frank Darabont. You might know him as the guy who did Shawshank and Green Mile.

The pilot was 90 minutes long in TV time, which meant actually around 65-70 minutes without commercials. So mirroring the time with the quality, it actually watched more like a mini-movie. And while some people groan about a long TV show, I was sitting up in my bed at 1am furious that the episode was about to end. I'd say that's the sign of a pretty good TV show.

So trust me, sit down and check it out. Best case scenario - its the next big TV show. Worst case - its still WAY better than either of the NCISs.