dating woes

I received an email from my mom the other day. Like 95% of all Jewish mom emails, it went something like this:

David....okay all my friends love you and want to fix you up with their nieces or daughters or
cousins.......so this is Beth's niece. You could do the call...and then meet once....at least she
sent a picture!

As much as it is nice to be appreciated and recognized that I am a catch and more mothers should throw their daughters at me, this is a little inconvenient.

First off, she’s not that cute. Now I know I am no Ryan Reynolds, but sober me has standards and, sadly, she does not fall within them. It could just be the picture, or she could just be really fun to hang out with. In either case, it doesn’t really matter because I can’t just blow her off and not call.

This was a setup by my mom, therefore this date is not optional. It is mandatory as constituted by Jewish law, “thou shalt go out with any girl thy mother decides … at least for drinks”. The only way to avoid it is to hide out in the desert for 40 years. Otherwise, you suffer a fate worse than death, a guilt trip by a Jewish mother.

Which leads to the second annoyance. My mom has already had the fortunate experience of setting me up with a friend’s daughter, I then hooked up with said daughter, and then never called her again (cuz I'm awesome like that). And let me tell you, there is no better look of admiration to get from a parent than while explaining why you are not going to call a girl again. I can only hope when I have that conversation with my son, I can give him the same “I am so proud of you look” that I read from my mom. (For those of you wondering, my mom still plays golf with her mom every Sunday).

So to avoid this happening again, this date will consist of two drinks, two hours max, and a nice, big hug at the end. And with those rules in place, I obviously cannot wait to call this girl.